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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 27, 2012 10:55am-11:25am PDT

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(laughter) if that was-- honestly, if that was a picture of me it was look like a gibbon wearing a jersey. (laughter) i don't know what-- i don't know who he got as a stand-in but-- (laughter). i have-- do you know-- i have so much hair on my ass that blur never would have in any way-- (laughter). (cheers and applause) only one side. the other side is relatively losing hair. what i do is i comb it over. (laughter) but while most americans rightfully tie this missed call and green bay loss directly to the n.f.l. labor dispute, some have found a deeper resonance. >> that was an interception. this was not a touchdown. and, like i said this morning, we need to get rid of these temporary refs just like we need to replace the obama administration. (audience reacts) and have real refs and real leaders fix this-- >> jon: what the hell?
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how did you combine the-- you can tie any situation, i guess, into that. "you know, i'm glad jerry sandusky is going to prison. but you know the person really raping america's children is president obama with his unfunded mandates." (cheers and applause) for more on the n.f.l. labor dispute we go now to senior correspondent john oliver outside n.f.l. headquarters in new york. john, what is the status right now of the n.f.l. dispute? >> well! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> who families both alike in dignity, one the referee, the other the league of national football is locked in dispute ages old.
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oh fair referees! (laughter) shirts bestripes arms akimbo with only a flag and wheus toll examine desperation and fair n.f.l. battered but unbowed like henri at agincourt from this day to the ending of the world! (cheers and applause) but we shall be remembered. we few, we happy few, we band of brothers! (cheers and applause) >> jon: my god. my god. that's-- (cheers and applause) i'm just-- i'm sorry. it just-- holy (bleep)! i was just-- (laughter). john oliver, you have almost overnight improved exponentially. (laughter) john oliver, john oliver, you moved me. >> yes, 'tis i, john oliver in
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the flesh. (laughter) the clown prince of correspondents, bob your ankle, up your bum! (cheers and applause) >> jon: i have to say though, if i may, it certainly-- it certainly looks and sounds like you but something's off. your face. so symmetrical. your complexion has lost its deathly pallor. your voice today rich and musical like the sonorous notes of an oboe. >> ah! praise from caesar is praise, indeed. (laughter) >> jon: see, even that. there is just something so much more appealing about you! every facet it's-- i don't know how to describe it, really. it's-- >> okay. here's what's happened. >> jon: oh, my god! oh, my god, it's patrick stewart! (cheers and applause)
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amazing! >> here's what's happened. your correspondents, emboldened by the n.f.l. labor dispute, have also gone on strike! until then, we replacement correspondents-- myself, pacino, glenn close and, as always, the incomparable mandy pa tin kin as aasif mandvi-- will attempt to hold down the fort. (cheers and applause). >> jon: if i may, if i may, i believe i've detected a bit of a rub in the strike strategy. you're better than them. (laughter) you are an infinitely superior substitute. you look better; you sound better. i know this is remote. i'm pretty sure you smell better as well. (laughter) >> yes, i smell pretty great. (laughter) >> jon: may i? is it a hint of lavender with a
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grace note of cedar and perhaps a a bit of ocean sand? is that what it smells like? >> it's axe body spray. (laughter). >> jon: well, this correspondent strike may go down as the least effective action in history. if you are an option, i'm firing all these guys right away. >> whoa, whoa, whoa! (cheers and applause) strike over. strike over. good news, everyone, we've reached a settlement. >> jon: no settlement. you don't work here anymore, oliver, as far as i'm concerned i traded up my '83 toyota for a maserati. >> what are you talking about, john? we weren't on strike. this was just a joke! it was a metaphor. i was just embodying the irony of this current n.f.l. labor dispute in a bit your know, like we do all the time. i can do shakespeare if that's what you want. here's some henry the lion hearted. "now is the winter of my discontent!" >> jon: no, forget it, forget
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it. >> john, look, the point is, you're out of luck, you're never going to get someone like sir patrick stewart to work here permanently. >> actually, i'd love this job. (laughter) it seems to me to be incredibly easy. (cheers and applause). >> jon: yes! there we go. that's great. beautiful. we'll take him! >> oh, that's great. so how much does it pay. >> oh, it's-- (whit perking) >> per day? >> no, per year. >> no (bleep)ing way! (cheers and applause) i am on strike! >> yes! strike! strike! strike! >> jon: we'll be right back. john oliver and patrick stewa
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. now there is a great deal of talk in this country about people picking themselves up by their boot straops to better their lives and fight their way into the 1%. but is it worth the cost? jason jones has more. >> amongst all the terrible news about people who've lost their jobs or their homes there's been one group that's been overlooked-- the extremely wealthy. luckily, psychologist dr. steven goldberg and psychotherapist joan defuria has been there to
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help. >> average client is $25 and $50 million and up. people come to us when they don't have to work another day in their lives. >> so why do they have problems? (laughter) >> i know it sounds very odd but the climate today is very different than it was ten years ago. >> we're really angry at the haves right now. >> and so what happens because of that have is the wealthy end up hiding themselves in these gated communities. >> when i think about these people i just feel bad and i just-- (laughter). -- want to punch them in the (bleep)ing face. >> the wealthy are people, too. >> from the trust belt in connecticut to the tech get co-s of silicon valley, the rich are being unfairly vilified but at the money meaning and choices institute has identified a more serious problem. >> we coined the phrase sudden wealth syndrome. >> sudden wealth syndrome? >> it describes the psychological issues and sin toms that many people experience as a consequence of coming into new or sudden problems. >> they have problems, that's
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why we coined the term s.w.s. >> if you contracted s.w.s., could that lean to full blown r.b.s.? >> what's that? >> restless butler syndrome. >> we're not going to bite. >> sorry, making up a condition and giving it an acronym to make it sound legitimate is foolish. sorry, you were saying, s.w.s. sure the poor and middle-class are worried about having enough food. but the wealthy have to worry about whether or not their waiter is recording them while they mock half the country. it's a painful reality that afflicts at least 1% of the 1%. so let's say i've created a hot new app. >> right. >> it's called dick widget. >> okay. >> now i'm worth $100 million. can you help he? >> well, we begin by asking you what-- >> a dick widget is-- >> no, i don't care what a dick widget is. >> it's an app that draws (bleep) on people's faces. >> it doesn't matter how you made your money. you got it, you got lucky. >> not really, dick widget was popular. >> but we don't know the details of the business.
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we need to know why it is you're coming to us. >> you tell me, you're the shrinks. >> what are the needs and wants that you have that have nothing to do with your pocketbook anymore. >> if i gave you this briefcase and it was filled with millions of dollars. >> millions of dollars. >> you've got it. >> feel pretty good right now. >> you feel pretty good right now. then what happens? what do you do? >> coke, hookers. >> this is what we call the honmy moon phase of getting money. then what happens? >> more coke, more hookers. >> most people find after six months or a year they say now what? >> we're going to die, so in between the time between now and we die what do we fill our time with? >> get down to business, open a nightclub, call it double j. >> and then? >> start a basketball league on jetskis. >> does that make you happy? >> yes! i have to tell you guys, i do not see a bad outcome here. (laughter) but only after walking a mile in a rich person's $4,000 shoes did i truly know the paralyzing anxiety of sudden wealth. sweetheart, please. thank you very much.
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table salt. (laughter) yup. that did it. and as the developer of the revolutionary app dick widget and creator of the world's most popular sport i was glad i was mental health professionals like defuria and goldberg to help me confront my demons. >> you're now a rich guy. you're like dozens and dozens of people in silicon valley, suddenly you're no longer jason the computer programmer. >> it's coming out your cheek. >> uh-oh. >> thank you, dr. goldberg. i'm feeling better already. (cheers and applause). >> jon: jason 4h$h
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, her new film is called "butter." >> you want a cookie because you're going to get pregnant? >> i get pregnant like once a month! >> do you honestly think you're anything more than a cheap lay to him? he'll get bored. after that he'll come right back where he belongs-- to my house. >> listen would you prefer it if i didn't enter this whole butter
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contest thing? >> absolutely. >> excellent! it's on. (laughter) >> jon: please welcome olivia wilde. hello! (cheers and applause) olivia wilde! (cheers and applause) thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> jon: first of all, the movie is-- not only is the movie funny, new it with some of our favorite people here. your rob cord dries, your christian schaal. >> your dire staff is in this movie. patrick stewart who is now on our staff will be in this movie. >> i beat him out by, like, one awe decontamination. (laughter) it was neck in neck. it was rough when i saw him back station. >> jon: he's not over it, is he? he never gets over it. how are you doing?
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you're doing-- you have so many interesting things i have to ask you about. christopher hitchens, one of our favorite guests on this program, the late great christopher hitchens was your babysitter. >> (laughs) yeah, yeah. >> jon: how did that-- first of all, how are you still alive? (laughter) second of all-- >> i know, my blood is running with scotch. (laughter) he was amazing. >> jon: was he just a neighbor and your folks won't over there and said, like, "hey, dude, can could you watch our kids?" >> "hold our baby, you look trustworthy." (laughter). >> jon: exactly. was your family friends? >> yes, they were all journalists together. there's this great group of investigative journalists and sadly they're dying out slowly but he was one of the greatest and i was very lucky to know him. (cheers and applause). >> jon: we used to love having him on the show. and i was always amazed at his breadth of recall because he had-- >> right, i know, one would
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think there wouldn't be much recall. (laughter). >> jon: if i get let's say four hours of sleep i can't remember when think birthday is but this guy-- >> i know! >> jon: i always wondered if you pickle your brain-- >> well, maybe that's what does it. >> jon: is-- is that how it keeps in the so well. he is so missed. the writing and everything else. you have a special coming up on-- where is it airing? >> pbs. it's very cool. it's a documentary called "half the sky" based on the great book kreupb by nicholas kristof. it's about women in the developing world who started amazing organizations to turn oppression into opportunity and i got to go to kenya with nick kristof which was amazing and we had a great time. >> jon: is that your first time in kenya? >> yes. >> jon: i have never been. i've been to nearby-- connecticut is not near there, is it? where is kenya? >> if you go a few miles north, across a big ocean. >> jon: so there is water. >> you get there.
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it's amazing. most people know kenya for the safaris and animals and that's extraordinary and everyone should see that. but kenya has incredible people and also a lot of problems and there's a lot of oppression of women so i was lucky enough to meet some of these women who started microfinancing organizations which is a great tool in ending global poverty and got to hang out with them. i got to go to a village of all women. all women. >> jon: a village of all women. >> yeah! >> jon: is that on purpose? did they kick the men out? (laughter) >> you know what? they did. it's great. everything works so well. (cheers and applause) it's fantastic! it's a village-- they had to create this village-- (laughter). to escape oppression and violence. >> jon: let me ask you personally. are there dances? are there times when they would invite men over for tea? >> (laughs) for tea. they invited me over and they were singing a song and they were dancing when i arrived and i was dancing along and i
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thought this was a welcome song and i didn't understand and later i said "what were we all singing together?" and they said "that was the vagina song." (cheers and applause) and i thought "how did they know that that was my song? they must have googled me. (laughter). >> jon: what is the vagina song and is it anything like that "call me maybe"? (laughter) >> there's a whole lot of copyright issues there. >> jon: now are they able to-- as they take it off-- do they find-- they find strength in each other? they've overcome these terrible circumstances and they're building this. will they be able to protect this security that they have now? how are they able to-- >> it's very dangerous. they get attacked all the time. it's very scary. but they're doing a great job. they have a business, they make jewelry so that they can sell it and sustain themselves. but it's scary. i mean, i think the men are very jealous they're running such a great village. >> jon: and they've done so well for themselves. i wish you the best. when is that on? >> that's on october 1 and 2 on
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pbs at 9:00 p.m. >> jon: i would urge everyone to watch it and also see "butter." >> see "butter"! >> jon: available on demand and in theaters october 5. we asked over 3,000 doctors to review 5-hour energy and what they said is amazing. over 73 percent who reviewed 5-hour energy said they would recommend a low calorie energy supplement to their healthy patients who use energy supplements.
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seventy-three percent. 5-hour energy has four calories and it's used over nine million times a week. is 5-hour energy right for you? ask yodoctor. we already asked 3,000.
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: hey, everybody, that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. from the new york knicks, amored to mier is going to be here. here's moment of zen. >> quite a guy, isn't that something? wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet
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>> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )


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